


Insensitive Dick

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, M/M, One Shot, Post Season 20, Pretending to Be Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 01:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16587797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Eric Cartman wants to break up with Heidi without hurting her feelings.Instead of being honest, he tells her he’s gay; what consequences could possibly come from that, right?





	Insensitive Dick

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about two years ago but, it’s going up anyways for a Tumblr ask meme. Enjoy.

Eric Cartman was currently pacing Kyle's room in a panic. The other didn't seem to be paying much attention, too interested in his new phone on the new internet.  
"What am I gonna tell her?! Do I just tell her that I hate woman, because then she'll think I'm an insensitive dick an–"  
"You are insensitive," Kyle added, suddenly interested.

Eric huffed and stopped his pacing to glare at the boy lying on the bed beside him.  
"Ay, shut your damn mouth and let me finish!" He hollered angrily before continuing his rant.  
Kyle smiled to himself. He was glad to have the old Cartman back—as much as he hated to be yelled at like that, he was glad to be hearing it from him. He was getting worried he'd never hear it again.  
"How do I break up with her, Kyle? Ugh, why am I even asking you? You've never even had a girlfriend before!" This remark made Kyle's smile fade.

"Hey! The closest I've ever gotten to a girlfriend was ruined by you and your bigoted beliefs, going off and telling Nichole you and I were a gay couple!" Kyle retorted.  
Suddenly, Eric stopped, snapping his fingers whilst holding a shocked posture.

"That's it! Kyle, you're a genius!"

Kyle scratched the back of his neck awkwardly—he didn't exactly like compliments to be thrown around like that. "I'll just tell her I'm gay!" He crossed over to the bed and plopped down next to the fiery redhead, his legs dangling over the edge.  
"Then how're you ever gonna get a girlfriend, dumbass? If she thinks you're gay and then sees you with another girl you'll be busted," Kyle inquired as he laid down next to Eric.

He watched as Eric shut his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing into a scheming face.  
Kyle presumed he was thinking of a way around this.  
"Whatever! I don't even want a girlfriend! Women suck, and they're only using us! They're so totally not smart or funny, and they’re hella lame!" His answer surprised Kyle.

Eric Cartman was not one to give up his own pleasures for something so trivial. If he went through with it he’d be single forever, since it wasn't really in either Eric or Heidi's interests to leave South Park. He'd have to confess the truth sooner or later.

"Dude...you really wanna give up a future girlfriend so some girl won't hate your guts? I mean, pretty much everyone else in town does. What’s the difference?" Kyle said, rolling over to face Cartman, whose eyes were still shut.

They immediately shot open once he did though, revealing coffee brown eyes that shimmered with rage. Kyle blushed, embarrassed, turning over on his back again.

"The difference, Kyle, is that she's gonna tell all the other girls that I'm a fucking asshole! I won't get a girlfriend either way. I'd rather be gay and have girls all over me, begging to be my fag hag’s than be hated. Wouldn't you want it that way, too? How would you feel if all the girls hated you? How would you feel if you knew no one would ever love you again?" Eric trailed off.

Kyle felt a foreign feeling in his stomach. Was this...sympathy? Sympathy for Cartman? He shook his the thoughts from his head before sitting up, turning and looking back at said boy.  
"I'm sorry you have to sacrifice something so...important...to our...nature. Really Cartman, I'm sorry," He frowned.  
Eric sat up as well, making sure his face was exceedingly closer to Kyle's.

"Don't ever say the 'S' word to me again," He spat.  
Kyle rolled his eyes playfully before nodding.  
Eric got off the bed then, letting it spring back up.

He grabbed his red coat off of Kyle's black swivel chair, pulling it on over his bulky figure and zipping it up, covering his yellow ‘Beast' shirt. Kyle smiled again; he had missed that red coat. Something about it made Cartman more...well, Cartman.

"Let’s get this over with I guess," Eric sighed, examining himself in the mirror before walking over to the bedroom door.  
"Wait, 'we'? Shouldn't you do this, y’know, in private?" Kyle asked, but not before getting off the bed and grabbing his coat as well.  
"You don’t have to come. It’s not like I want you to come but, like, I mean if you’re gonna be a boring old pussy then don’t come but I mean, like. Oh, fuck you just...come on. " Eric stammered, his face exceedingly red.

Kyle stared at him.

He was scared scared. Eric Theadore Cartman was scared of a girl.

Kyle burst out into a fit of giggles, which soon grew into full on laughter, to gasping for breath while leaning on his knees for support.  
"Oh-oh my God! You-You're scared!" Kyle blurted in between his fit of laughter.

Eric’s blush deepened as he smacked Kyle's accusing finger out of his face.  
"Shut up, stupid! I'm not scared, that’s so lame! I would never be scared of a girl in a million years!" He lied through his teeth.

Eric did fear girls ever since Wendy beat him up in the 3rd grade. He wasn't as worried about the pain though, more so the humiliation. He didn't want to give anyone else the satisfactory of beating him.

Not giving Kyle time to calm down, he grabbed him by the hand and pulled him down the stairs.

The boys texted Heidi and asked her to meet them at the planned location—somewhere behind the school.  
It felt like forever to Cartman as they awaited the expected visitor. He rubbed his arms strenuously to warm—and also subconsciously calm—himself, checking the corners obsessively.

Kyle was a different story. He was casually leaning against the back of the school building, watching Eric struggle. It was amusing the first few minutes, but he'd grown bored by now. Besides, he began to feel that foreign feeling in the pit of his stomach again watching Eric’s anxiety rise.  
"What's taking her so long?!" Eric finally said, breaking the silence.

Kyle only shrugged, tucking his hands into his pockets and sighing. He was prepared to leave if she didn't show up in the next few minutes.

Finally—much to Eric’s dismay—Heidi rounded the corner, smiling and waving as soon as she saw her boyfriend. Kyle scoffed.  
"Hey, babe!" Heidi beamed, pecking Eric’s check.  
Kyle could see through her expression that she'd noticed his discomfort once she pulled back.  
"Is everything alright, Eric?" She questioned with genuine worry.  
Eric noticeably tensed at the use of his first name. Kyle, on the other hand, swallowed a laugh; it was amusing to see Eric so vulnerable—afraid.

"Heidi...we called you here because...because there's something I need to get off my chest. I hope you weren’t inconvenienced" he said, to which Heidi nodded no, quizzically.  
"Well...there's something I've been hiding. It's kind of a secret that no one else knows, and, I don't know if I'm ready for anyone else to know. So, if you could keep this between us, that'd be cool," He inquired sheepishly.

Kyle almost felt bad for Heidi. She was so naive—or, maybe it was just because Kyle was used to this. Kyle knew Eric well, and the tone he was using right now was an obvious manipulative one. He used it when speaking to adults, mainly his mother. He'd even tried it out on Kyle a few times before, but Kyle knew better. He was fortunate to know Eric well enough to not fall into his traps. But Heidi wasn't.

"Well, sure babe, what is it?" She locked her fingers between his.

Kyle sneered. This was probably super uncomfortable for Cartman.

"Well, the thing is that...Heidi?"

Kyle was holding back a laugh. He was usually the one getting played, it was relieving to play the witness this time.

"Yes, Eric?" This was it.

"I'm gay," Eric’s breath hitched as soon as he let it out.  
His heart was racing, his mind clouded. He scanned her face, but there was no way of telling what she was feeling.  
Slowly, her hands slid from his. Her smile fell, but she kept eye contact with the shaking boy. Her eyebrows furrowed.  
"Oh?" Was all she said.  
Eric smiled awkwardly, rubbing his knuckles together in a Butters like fashion. Kyle was about to break—this was almost too funny.  
"Prove it," she spat, folding her arms smugly across her chest.  
Her posture rose, towering over Eric more than before. She clearly wasn't fooled.

"What?"

"If you're gay, then prove it."  
"How? There's–" Heidi cut him off by pointing a gloved finger behind him.

Eric’s face flushed. He didn't need to turn around to know what she meant by that.

"If you're gay, then kiss Kyle. I'm sure he won't mind one kiss, won't you, Kyle?" Heidi smiled devilishly at him.

Kyle didn't feel like laughing anymore.

"Wha-What?! We ha–" Kyle was cut off by Heidi—she sure knew how to be intimidating.  
"What, you 'hate' each other? I don't really believe that bullshit anymore. Eric talks about you all the time in a positive light—you guys seem like friends to me. Close, but not close enough that one kiss will make it awkward," she argued.

Much to their dismay, she did have a point. The way Eric had played her made it seem like they really did care for each other. He hissed profanity under his breath as he turned around to face his rival. His face was red, but Kyle couldn't tell if it was from the cold or embarrassment.

"Let's just get this over with. C’mon, Kyle," Eric mumbled, moving closer to said boy.  
Kyle's face flushed all color as he tried to back away from him, but to no avail. Before Kyle could turn and run, his foot slipped on a patch of ice that was conveniently placed behind him. As he began to fall, though, Eric caught him. Heidi covered her mouth with her hand and giggled softly. Ever since the Tweek and Craig incident the girls were very “fond” of gay couples. And Kyle and Eric sure looked gay right now.

Oh, great. Kyle inwardly rolled his eyes; as if the situation wasn’t bad enough.  
Eric pulled him back to his feet, but before he had time to recover, chubby, gloved hands were cupping his cheeks.

Kyle had no time to prepare, and before he knew it, Eric’s lips were on his. The first thing he noticed was how chapped they were, courtesy of the cold. The second thing he noticed was how soft they were. And the third thing he noticed was...how good of a kisser he actually was. He had expected him to kiss rough, probably to subconsciously match his temper but, instead he learned that Eric actually kissed softly. It was passionate, but soft. Kyle found himself actually enjoying this, and before he knew it he found himself kissing back.

Unfortunately, this surprised Eric. He pulled back, looking into Kyle's eyes with a startled—yet seemingly pleased—expression before pushing him away, causing him to tumble back and slip on the ice, landing roughly on his behind. Heidi scoffed.  
She hadn’t expected him to actually do it and was ready to call him out on his bullshit.  
Eric smiled triumphantly, spinning around to boast.

"I told you I was gay! I can't believe you didn't trust me?" Eric played betrayed.  
"Whatever, Eric. I'm sorry If I...made you gay..." Heidi whimpered, her eyes glossing over with tears.  
There was that pang in Kyle's chest again. Little did he know Eric felt it too.  
"Heidi! No, it's not you! I just didn't realize until last week when I was watching po–"  
"Ah, stop! I don't need to know, Eric...I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," she cut in, rocking back and forth, avoiding eye contact.

Not for long could she though, since Eric pulled her chin down, making her look him in the eyes. He brushed a stroke of loose hair behind her ear, smiling sincerely.  
"You didn't make me uncomfortable. I may not be attracted to you, but you're actually, genuinely a smart and funny girl. Get over it," he reassured her.

She embraced him, catching him off guard, knocking him over a bit. He still caught himself before he could fall, to returned the gesture. She giggled, wiping her teary eyes before planting another kiss on his cheek.

Kyle smiled; this had gone way better than expected.


End file.
